How not to depend on others: three types of independence. How to ignore other people's opinions How to stop depending on the opinions of others

Throughout our lives, we repeatedly encounter critics and commentators who believe that from the outside they can see and understand more clearly whether we are doing everything right. Some people manage to ignore unflattering statements, while others spend their entire lives trying to please every critic and know-it-all. Is there a way to get rid of the habit of adapting to other people's stereotypes and desires? How to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?

1. Increase self-esteem

Yes Yes. According to statistics, those people who have problems with self-perception most often depend on the opinions of others. A person who is insecure about his own magnificence begins to seek approval from outside. Think about it. If it is so important for you to be appreciated by your loved one, then for you he is a more significant figure than you yourself. And this only means that you don’t value yourself highly enough.

2. Realize that everyone is unique

When you finally understand that all people: you, your other half, your friend, your brother, and your neighbor are unique, it will be easier for you to learn to accept the fact that someone may not like you. And not because this person is good or bad, but because he is different, and his vision of any situation is radically different from your usual views and beliefs.

3. Accept that people can be jealous

Commenting on our choice or action from a stranger can often be a veiled rejection of someone else’s happiness. Sometimes people unknowingly speak negatively about us, thus justifying their own failures. If your new acquisition or new success is not approved, it is likely that the person is internally indignant that he cannot afford this and at least get one step closer to your level.

4. Understand that some individuals assert themselves at your expense

Surely you have noticed more than once that the less heights a person has achieved in life, the more he disagrees with other people’s opinions. When you fail to take your place in life and break into the highest circles of society, critics begin to assert themselves at the expense of more successful people. This is how grannies usually behave on benches. They understand that they no longer have the chance to vacation in the Maldives and dance until dawn, so they find no better pastime than to swear and discuss successful people.

5. Get rid of perfectionism

People who cannot stop depending on the opinions of others often suffer from perfectionism or, in simple terms, excellent student syndrome. You probably already guessed what excellent student syndrome is? This is when you try to do any work, regardless of whether you do it for yourself or for someone else, perfectly, without flaws or mistakes. If this fails, the “excellent student” suffers and torments herself with the fact that she is imperfect, that she failed to live up to her own or someone else’s expectations.

And finally understand, there is not a single person on earth who could 100% match someone else’s

The sphere of human relationships is the most difficult area of ​​life, in which we can get into the most complex problems, and even addictions. There are different situations in our lives where we have to deal with people with whom we have different relationships. These relationships influence us by shaping our reactions to different people. We often depend on other people in several areas:

1). We depend on what people say, do, and how people treat us.

Such dependence is formed in us from childhood. We understand perfectly well that, while still small children, we were already happy or not from the way other children treated us. And throughout our lives, our mood and state of mind depended and depend on how other people, and especially those who surround us, treat us.

2). We depend on what people think of us.

If you are attentive to yourself, you will see that you are concerned about what people think about you (about your appearance, behavior, lifestyle). Many people do things that they don't want to do, but do anyway because they are afraid of someone else's opinion. How often do you lose peace in your heart just because you found out that someone thinks badly of you? How often does this happen when it just seems to us, or we simply suspect that someone thinks badly of us, and because of this we lose peace in our hearts? When this happens, we lose the ability to live peacefully, and thus become dependent on other people's opinions about us.

There is only one option for how we can not depend on people, which is that we must learn the right attitude towards people. God wants to teach us to treat people correctly, and only in this way can we free ourselves from dependence on their opinions of us.

There are two categories of lies that make us dependent on people. If we live and are guided by this lie, we will feel like very unhappy people. Let's look at these two types of lies and free ourselves from them and their consequences.

The first category of lies is the belief that we have some kind of superiority over people. We actually assume that we have more status than other people. This lie is expressed in the fact that each of us has certain claims against the people around us. We really want to change those we encounter and live with, and when we fail to do this, we feel very unhappy. But the truth is that we must stop trying to change others, and begin to change our inner world if we want to receive freedom from the Lord in this area of ​​our soul.

Let us look at where this lie came from in the human mind. It originated during the Fall, when all of man’s attention shifted from God’s desires to his own, and to self-satisfaction. Thus, man put his desires above the desires of God. Before the Fall, man lived in close communion with God and was completely absorbed in Him, realizing that God is Great and that He is Ruler over the entire universe. Thanks to this, man was completely occupied with fulfilling God's desires and His will. But through the Fall, man's focus shifted to something else.

How did this happen? The book of Genesis chapter 2 describes an incident when God forbade Adam and Eve from eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and clearly explained to them that if they did not obey His command, they would die. But Satan offered Eve his false theory, which produced its negative work in Eve’s consciousness, which led to disaster for all subsequent generations of people. Before she was seduced by Satan, Eve was happy and did not know that she was limited in any way, so she lived enjoying God and life in the Garden of Eden. What happened when the devil gave her a false theory that God had limited her? Eve first looked at the fruit from the point of view of the possibility of obtaining satisfaction outside of God: “And Eve saw that it was pleasing to the eyes and desirable because it gave knowledge... and she took of its fruit and ate...”(Gen.2:6). It was at that moment when Eve decided that she was limited by God, and that something good could be obtained outside of God, that a change occurred in her consciousness, since she made herself a standard of evaluation independent of God. Now she herself decided what was good and what was bad. At that moment, Eve died spiritually. This sinful understanding that man himself decides for himself what is good and what is bad, and the search for happiness outside of God, has permeated the minds of absolutely all people, therefore, people live by this deception, believing that they can find satisfaction outside of God.

Besides this, Eva did something else. She raised the priority of satisfying her desires above fulfilling the will and desires of God. The same thing happens today with the vast majority of Christians who believe that there is the will of God, and their happiness is separate from it.

Many believers share these concepts, believing that they can be happy outside the will of God. They believe that if they only do the will of God, they will become unhappy people, therefore, when it comes to their personal lives, most believers do not want to consult God on this matter. Many people who call themselves Christians decide on their own issues concerning their personal lives, and then come to the point where they realize that they have made themselves deeply unhappy people.

As soon as people begin to separate the concept of God's will and their happiness, they begin to chase their own happiness, and never find satisfaction. The truth is that if we think that our own desires and feelings are above God's absolute and perfect will, then we we will never be happy people. If we consider ourselves Christians, then we must adhere to the teachings of Jesus Christ, which says that we can be saved, and have life only when we die to ourselves and our “I”, i.e. their desires, dreams and searches for their happiness outside of God. It is vital for every Christian to refuse to satisfy his desires at any cost. Jesus Christ said: “If anyone wants to come after Me, deny yourself and take up your cross, and follow Me, for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”(Matt. 16:24,25). Today, very, very many believers follow Jesus Christ, not wanting to take up their cross, on which it is necessary to crucify their soul with its desires and search for happiness outside of God. Many people who consider themselves Christians think that their goal of coming to God is to achieve earthly happiness with His help, therefore, they continue to look for everything that non-believers are looking for. But true Christians who wish to follow the teachings of Christ must renounce seeking their happiness outside of God.

I recommend you read the articles: « HAPPINESS FROM THE POINT OF CHRISTIANITY. » And "WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO “TAKE UP YOUR CROSS”? to understand this issue more clearly.

The Fall made a huge revolution in human consciousness, so people (including believers) live to fulfill their main goal - the satisfaction of their desires, with the help of other people. All believers who have not yet crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts look at other people as a tool to achieve their goals and desires. The Apostle Paul says: « But those who are Christ's, crucified the flesh with passions and lusts"(Gal.5:24). You see, there are those who belong to Christ and there are those who do not yet belong to Jesus Christ. The difference between these people is that some crucified their soul, which demanded its own, while others did not. The unpleasant truth for us is that if we are still looking for satisfaction of our desires outside of God, trying to use people as an instrument for this, then we have not yet crucified our flesh with passions and lusts, and therefore have not yet become Christ’s. I really hope that this truth will help us to truly, not in words, but in deeds, begin to belong to Jesus Christ and live a life wholly dedicated to our Lord.

When we talk about trying to use people as tools to satisfy our desires, this means that we live with a false claim that someone owes us something. The truth is that throughout our lives, we will be faced with the fact that people will not satisfy the desires of our soul. We must understand one very important reality: people do NOT live for us! Absolutely everyone who surrounds you and with whom you come across in life (including believers) does NOT live for your sake. They live for what you live for - to achieve the satisfaction of your desires. Each of us must understand that he is not the boss on this earth, and no one will satisfy all his expectations.

In fact, it is almost impossible to find people who would live in such a way that your expectations directed towards them are justified. The fact is that after the Fall, absolutely all people live for themselves. How often can you hear that someone coming to church expects to be treated in some special way, and when his expectations are not met, he says: “What kind of believers are these!” But these believers are just like him, so they also expect to be treated in some special way. Therefore, everyone lives for himself and demands good treatment of himself, instead of stopping living for himself and expecting that someone owes him something. Until we understand this, we will be disappointed in people. Stop expecting something from other people, because they, just like you, live depending on other people based on the false claim that someone owes them something. Understand that people do not live for you. Everyone is looking for their own, and no one cares about the benefit and welfare of another, except in some cases (for example, when a mother takes care of her child). But we claim that they simply must live for our sake in a variety of areas. We all need to understand that other people are just like us, so they also want to fulfill their desires and demand something from us.

God created man with the ability to communicate. Communication with people like us is a great blessing, and we need people. Before the Fall, people enjoyed communication with each other, as well as with God, and enjoyed the harmony that reigned around them. But as soon as the Fall occurred, a revolution took place in their souls, which elevated their claim to satisfy their desires above the standards and desires of God. And this turned their life into pain and a nightmare. Therefore, as long as we pretend that the people around us owe something to us, our life will be full of heartache and unfulfilled expectations.

Since the Fall, people have lived by the philosophy that they need people to help them achieve their own interests. You live in the same way, although you don’t notice it. For example, you need to be treated well, so you need people to satisfy your desire. Living on earth, we unconsciously live with a goal, which is to use as many people as possible to achieve our interests. Of course, you don’t sit and plan: “Okay, I’ll use this person, and then I’ll use this person.” No. This desire lives inside you. You expect people to treat you a certain way and behave. And what do you demand from people in relation to yourself? Here are a few areas where we want to use people.

1. We want people to pay attention to us.

For some reason, we think that people are obligated to show us their attention, show affection, are obligated to smile at us and keep us in the center of their attention. Each person has within himself the claim that other people should be polite, attentive, etc. to them. If we get it, we feel happy, and if we don’t, then we get upset and feel bad, and then we begin to express our dissatisfaction, saying: “Well, is it really possible to do this?” etc. But let’s now ask some questions: “Why do we think that someone owes us something, and why do we make ourselves dependent on people?”, “Why do we depend on what they told us, and how to treat us?” did you react? Our mood in this case is based on a false claim, which is that people supposedly should serve us with their affection and attention. But in fact, no one is obliged to serve us with this. If you are offended that people do not pay enough attention to you, then you have made yourself dependent on them. If it is not the Bible, but the mood of people towards you that determines your reaction, then you immediately become dependent on them. Someone did not give you the attention you expected, and you are already beginning to suffer, and they continue to live on. You start remembering this and replaying these thoughts over and over again, and your mood deteriorates for a long time. You think: “How could she do this to me! She walked by and didn’t say hello! It’s as if I don’t exist at all!” Further, how unhappy you will feel depends on how colorfully you develop your thought. But stop and think: does she owe you anything? It is her right whether to greet you or not, to pay attention to you or not, etc. Therefore, you should not believe the lie that says that people are obligated to treat you the way you want.

2. We want people to show us goodwill and support.

You, like all other people, want your opinion to be taken into account and your position recognized. For example, three of your friends say that you all need to go there and you don’t agree with it, but for some reason your opinion is ignored and someone else’s opinion is chosen. Then you begin to feel somehow defective, and as a result you lose peace and feel unwell.

3. We believe that people should respect us.

We claim people's respect for us because we have human dignity. We think that being treated with respect should be a given, so when we don't get it, we lose the world.

4. We believe that people should think well of us.

In this case, too, if we notice that they do not think about us the way we want, then our mood deteriorates.

5. We believe that people should take care of us and help us financially.

Let me give you an example. You go home with heavy bags, which makes you very tired. Approaching the door of your house, you see a group of young people standing nearby, not showing any attention to you, and do not help open the door, seeing that you have bags in your hands. Then you begin to be indignant out loud or in your heart: “What kind of young people are these! Don’t they see that it’s hard for me and that I need help opening the door? Why should I put down my bags and open the door myself, because they can do it? Who raised them?" etc. In this case, you are claiming to be helped. But in reality, they shouldn't have helped you. They don't have to do this. It was you who decided for yourself that doors should be opened for you. Yes, perhaps they are poorly educated, uncompassionate, indifferent, selfish, etc., but that is another question. But our question is different: were they obliged to do this? Of course not. The fact that these guys didn’t help you is not good, God calls us to help each other, and in the eyes of God they, of course, were wrong, but it is important for us now to see what how we react to what is happening, because every person strives to justify himself and his reactions. And for us it is more important now to understand how we react, because our wrong reactions are the problem, and they are the ones who enslave us.

Or another example. You come home, you have a headache, and you want everyone around you to be quiet. Or you have some kind of trouble, and you pretend to be understood, etc. If this is not the case, then you begin to get upset, upset and your mood deteriorates. The problem is that you are claiming that people should have acted a certain way towards you.

Our reaction.

The first reaction we usually react to is dissatisfaction. (this is an emotional reaction to something we don’t like). This is considered the mildest reaction and, as a rule, it is justified by everyone, since people often believe that this is normal. And at first glance, our discontent is a completely legitimate reaction. We think: “Well, we can’t tolerate sin! When people do wrong, we have to respond somehow. If you don't tell these young people that what they are doing is wrong, then it will be wrong and they will become bad people in general,” etc. We may have many excuses for why we should express our dissatisfaction. And if we do not swear at them openly, but only express internal dissatisfaction, then we believe that we are even doing the right thing, since we have every right to do so.

But dissatisfaction has nothing to do with the struggle for truth, because dissatisfaction is an emotional reaction to what we do not like. And the struggle for truth consists in trying to help a person change what God doesn't like it. But if dissatisfaction with people comes to the fore because they did you wrong, and not because they are not right before God, then we immediately become slaves to our emotions and become dependent on people. We must help people free themselves from what is displeasing to God, but we can only do this effectively when our personal displeasure associated with our wounded “I” is not mixed into our reaction.

When our “I” becomes wounded, we are deprived of peace, freedom and peace and the ability to solve this situation, and life is filled with bitterness. Very, very many Christians are unable to overcome their “I” for the reason that they are taught to increase their self-esteem, instead of crucifying it. This is the big problem with modern Christianity today. But Jesus Christ teaches us to die to ourselves in order to have life with Him.

In 1 Thessalonians it is written “...give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you.”(1 Thess. 5:18). The Apostle Paul teaches to give thanks for everything, and even for the fact that the door was not opened to you, because God is doing something through these situations with you. It changes your life and shows you something.

The second wrong reaction is irritation .

This is the next stage of discontent, more active. If we allow dissatisfaction to remain in our hearts for a little while, then it will certainly develop into irritation, and will begin to be expressed in our harsh words or actions. Then people immediately understand that we are unhappy and that something is wrong. Scripture tells us: “Now put aside everything: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”(Col. 3:8). “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and crying and slander, along with all malice, be put away from you.”(Eph.4:31). The Lord wants us to stop showing not only anger, shouting and rage, but also to stop swearing, but also to remove all irritation from our lives.

The third wrong reaction is resentment .

Resentment is irritation turned inward, and it is always associated with self-pity. And self-pity manifests itself when a person begins to replay in his mind how he was treated unfairly and incorrectly. But we need to remember a few principles regarding self-pity.

a) Self-pity makes you an unhappy person.

b) Self-pity deprives you of the ability to correctly approach the problem. In this state, you can no longer think sensibly, as you are absorbed in your feelings and resentment, which push you to the wrong reactions and behavior.

c) Self-pity makes you an unpleasant person. People who are full of self-pity are usually very unpleasant people.

The fourth wrong reaction to people's behavior is hostility.

This is already a hidden form of enmity that lurks in the heart against some person, and gradually poisons us, spoils our life, and shapes us. This is why the Apostle Paul warns Christians: “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness spring up and cause harm, and lest many become defiled by it.”(Hebrews 12:15). We need to be very careful that no evil arises in our hearts towards other people, since in this case we immediately lose God's grace. Every Christian must be aware of the fact that the loss of God's grace can cost us very, very dearly.

The fifth wrong reaction is enmity .

At this stage of the growth of evil in your heart, you are already beginning to make plans and make decisions against someone who is unpleasant to you. A very clear example of enmity can be seen in the life of Saul in relation to David. Do you remember how this feud began? Because Saul, returning home with his army after defeating Goliath, heard the girls singing that Saul defeated thousands, and David tens of thousands. Saul did not like this, and he harbored discontent in his heart. Because Saul did not eradicate it, it began to penetrate more and more into his heart, and became the bitter root of evil in Saul's life. This evil ruined the rest of Saul's life, since he was already consumed by his only desire - to destroy David. This is what a simple dissatisfaction that has penetrated into a person’s heart can lead to if he does nothing about it. Many people fall into such bondage instead of enjoying life in God's presence.

The sixth wrong reaction is to put pressure on a person.

When we have power or authority (if we are parents or bosses), we are tempted to use it to force people to do what we want. This is especially evident in parents. If you have any power, there is a very big temptation to react incorrectly by putting pressure on people. Imagine that parents see their children doing wrong to them, and then they begin to correct their children and limit them. But, if in this restriction and correction there is personal irritation, personal anger and annoyance because he did this to me, that he hurt me, then all this is already exerting pressure. In this case, every child feels it well, since you punish him not because he needs to improve, but because you are taking out your own evil on him. You can at least somehow justify it by saying: “Look what he does! Is that even possible? How can you tolerate this?” You don't have to endure it because he's doing the wrong thing, but if you take out your anger on him, then you will destroy your child and destroy your family.

And the last wrong reaction is isolation when people try to escape from a situation, instead of somehow solving it inside their hearts.

People in marriage often face similar things. When they have problems and they cannot solve them, they begin to think that the only correct solution is divorce, which will solve all their problems. Of course, if you are not a true Christian who lives according to the teachings of Christ, then solve your problem with divorce. But if you are truly born again and a disciple of Jesus Christ, and understand that your salvation depends on whether you live according to the teachings of Christ or not, then you will adhere to the words of Christ: “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if a wife divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”(Mark 10:2-12).

You will understand that your remarriage in the eyes of the Lord will be nothing more than adultery, no matter how you call it differently. Therefore, you will do everything possible to avoid solving problems through divorce. The problem is actually your internal negative reaction, and if you don't change it, you will carry it further, wherever you are.

The tragedy of this approach is that we do not fully understand the essence of God's truth. Look what the Apostle Peter says: “And who will do you harm if you are zealous for what is good?”(1 Peter 3:13).

The truth is that if you are zealots of good, then no one can harm your soul until you yourself allow the reaction of evil into it. Scripture also tells us: “But if you suffer for the truth, then you are blessed"(1 Peter 3:14).

If you behave correctly towards people, but they still make you suffer, then you are a happy person, because you will receive a reward from the Lord for this in heaven. If we understand that each of our correct reactions brings the Lord's approval, then we will try to respond correctly.

Many of the martyrs of the first church suffered, and suffered in ways we cannot imagine, but they were free from the reaction of evil in their hearts. Today, believers may be dissatisfied and irritated just because someone did something wrong to them as they would have liked, etc. And then people are deprived of peace and quiet for a long time.

How to overcome the wrong reaction?

What to do to overcome all this? Here are some important principles.

1. Learn to love people (to be patient, to have mercy, to forgive) and accept them as they are.

2. Experience the joy of service. Often we come across people who we don’t like in some way, but Scripture calls us to ensure that through our lives we can influence this person and make him better. God will do this through us if we respond correctly to a person. If we are interested in the good of this person, we will see it as a great privilege that we are serving God by helping another person change and become better.

3. Guard your heart from evil.

Proverbs says that the most important thing to keep is your heart. Make this your number one rule.. Make it a very important factor in your life. You must understand that you are not able to remake the whole world, and you cannot remake people, but you are responsible before God for ensuring that evil does not appear in your heart. You are responsible for guarding your heart from evil and thus working out your salvation.

Not all believers understand that their salvation directly depends on the state of their hearts. Holy Scripture clearly tells us that people who live according to the flesh will not inherit the Kingdom of God: “The works of the flesh are known; they are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, quarrels, envy, anger, strife, discord, (temptations), heresies, hatred, murder, drunkenness, disorderly conduct and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that Those who do this will not inherit the kingdom of God» (Gal.5:19-21).

We see that along with such sins as: adultery, fornication, idolatry, etc., such sins as enmity, quarrels, envy, anger, strife and discord are listed. And the Apostle Paul says by the Holy Spirit that people who do this will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Therefore, we must guard our hearts from all evil. Let this become a very important rule for us.

God bless you!

Let's start with the fact that man by nature is a dependent creature. The very need to depend on someone is inherent in us from birth, and accompanies us throughout our lives. And the question is not how to change this nature, how to stop being dependent. The question is this: since we are still dependent, and cannot become completely independent, then maybe we have a chance to at least choose the “object” on which we depend - to choose so as to live happily?

Let's see what happens if we fall into dependence on people, things, circumstances and so on. Such psychological dependence is similar to drug addiction. Until a person starts using drugs, he lives, relatively speaking, more or less “well.” Using the drug for the first or second time, he gets pleasure from it, a “high”, and falls into euphoria. Soon enough, a person begins to get used to the drug, and to achieve the same state of high, he needs a larger and larger dose... After some fairly short time, the body adapts to the drug so much that it ceases to experience euphoria even with a significant dose. Now a person needs a drug not to get high, but simply to feel normal; the body can no longer function at an adequate level without the next dose - without it it simply feels bad, withdrawal begins.

The same thing happens in the case of psychological addiction. Before meeting a partner, a person lives a completely varied life, has a wide circle of contacts, a number of interests, and is generally happy with everything. And so a new relationship begins: at first the person is in an almost permanent ecstasy, soaring in the clouds with happiness. At this stage, he blindly surrenders to his feelings - he does not see either the shortcomings of his partner, or his real attitude towards himself. But gradually a person begins to see the light: the one who seemed ideal to him ceases to be so. All the negative qualities that have not been noticed before come to the surface, and everything positive becomes familiar and even boring... Quarrels and conflicts begin. There is no trace of euphoria anymore; often people cannot even talk without mutual reproaches and accusations. These relationships no longer bring joy to anyone, and the person does not dare to break them: he has become dependent on his partner, on his feelings for him. If a breakup does occur for any reason, then a real “withdrawal” begins: the person becomes depressed, loses all previous interests, loses the desire to work, communicate with friends, and even the desire to live. If the partner suddenly returns, then in this case there is no need to expect happiness: for a short period of time, a certain ghost of the former joy may return, the illusion of mutual love, which quickly passes. And then everything starts all over again - old claims, grievances surface, conflictual relationships are renewed, and the further it goes, the more the person gets bogged down in dependence. And this addiction, like a drug addiction, does not go away on its own. To get rid of it, you need to make a lot of effort.

Psychological dependence, unfortunately, is very often mistaken for love. It is important to understand that love and dependence are not just different, but practically opposite in essence phenomena.

Firstly, love brings joy, and addiction is either suffering or painful, poisonous short-term pleasure, similar to the pleasure of a drug addict. Secondly, love is sacrificial, and addiction is always implicated in selfishness. This selfishness manifests itself in many ways, although often in a veiled way. For example: a woman does EVERYTHING for her husband, gives all her strength, dissolves in him, lives by him alone. Then a break occurs; the abandoned wife, of course, is completely heartbroken, it seems to her that her life is over, that everything has lost its meaning... A typical situation, isn’t it? What is the selfishness of this woman? The fact is that she actually made certain sacrifices for a reason; giving away her strength, her youth, dissolving in her partner, she sought to get something in return - perhaps even unconsciously. To receive in return complete understanding, unconditional acceptance, the same dissolution of the spouse in her, in her life; probably also gratitude and a feeling of guilt on the part of the spouse (for the sacrifices made for him), which should have tied him to her forever. That is, she gave all of herself, but not disinterestedly, not for the sake of her husband’s happiness. She did not do what her husband really needed, what HE would like, but what was better in HER opinion, because she always believed that she knew better (this, by the way, shows pride). In other words, she lived his life, instead of leaving his life to him and living her own life; she “infiltrated” his soul because she was uncomfortable in her soul. This can be likened to how if we, having cluttered our apartment, came to our neighbors - to live with them and also litter their house, and at the same time we were sincerely surprised that they kicked us out. Moreover, living such a life, dissolving in a partner, a person actually understands deep down in his soul that he does not make his partner happy, that he himself, if he were in his partner’s place, would be burdened by such “care.”

If we truly love someone, then we will not get into his soul, where no one invited us; we will not stuff him with what seems good to us, but we will learn from him himself what exactly he needs; in case of refusal of our help, from our “good” we will not be offended or upset, but will accept it calmly, without a shadow of resentment - after all, we did not want the best for ourselves, but for our loved one, and if for some reason he does not accept our gift, then we recognize that it is his right. And if we sacrifice our lives FOR LOVE, then we never expect anything in return, not even gratitude, we do it for the happiness of our partner - like a mother, in case of danger, is ready, without thinking about herself, to rush to death for the sake of her child.

A break up With someone we truly love, the experience is calmer and more painless than breaking up a dependent relationship: after all, we wish our partner happiness, even if not with us. Since it so happens that he feels bad with me, but is better with someone else, then I let him go, even though it’s hard for me without him; I may even be happy to let him go, as long as he is happy. And there is no place for any unhealthy dependence here anymore.

In addition, dependence often manifests itself in pacification- this is another difference from love. A person wants to experience certain pleasant emotions, and he creates an idol for himself - an object onto which he transfers all his feelings, he can fantasize almost any feelings in response. He wants to imagine that he is loved - and he chooses a person from whom he makes an idol, builds a whole web of illusions about the idol’s special attitude towards himself, about his exceptional love... and he himself begins to sincerely believe in it, to be deceived by his own fantasies. He is ready to do a lot for this idol, but in exchange he needs to dissolve in the idol, merge with it in a kind of spiritual ecstasy. If there is a break in the relationship, then the person is deprived of all this, and it is quite natural that it is extremely difficult to survive such a break.

Thus, if you look at the content of the relationship, and not at its form, it becomes clear that addiction has almost nothing to do with true love.

To understand the nature of psychological dependence, it is worth thinking about: a What do we really depend on? From a partner - or from our feelings towards him, from that unreal, distorted world in which we live, which is built by our feelings, and first of all - by our feelings towards this partner, what we usually call love? (and which is unlikely to be). And isn’t it because we depend on this unreal world that we cling so much to our “love”, despite the fact that it no longer brings us anything but suffering? We are afraid, having lost our old feelings, to destroy this world. But it is dear to us, we are used to living in it without thinking at all.

So, we live in a distorted world, we depend on it. When a love relationship breaks down, our world collapses. What do we do? It would be worth making every effort to adequately assess the situation and yourself in it, analyze the facts, think logically, without giving free rein to emotions, and ultimately form a new, more sober view of your partner, the world and yourself - and live on, based on from this sober vision (without falling into the other extreme - hatred). But in order to honestly accept reality, you need to have a certain strength, power over yourself. This requires work, and a lot of it. We don’t want to work on ourselves, we don’t know how to do it, we don’t have any experience in it. Therefore, we act simpler: we close our eyes to the facts, we don’t even try to analyze events, we deceive ourselves. We build our attitude towards the situation and towards the partner who left us on the basis of our previous feelings towards him - in this way, consciously or unconsciously, we try to prevent the destruction of our unreal world. We cling to these old feelings, even if they bring us suffering, just as alcohol and drug addicts cling to drugs, realizing that they are ruining themselves.

We cannot get out of the crisis into which we have thus found ourselves, because, firstly, as a rule, we do not understand its causes. We see the reason for the crisis as being abandoned. But in fact, the reason is different: we are afraid, and we simply do not know how to form a sober view of our partner and the whole situation, and therefore we do not understand that we simply do not need the previous relationship in the form in which it existed.

And secondly, even if at the logical level We realized that we shouldn’t try to get our partner back, that this relationship doesn’t bring happiness, it’s not enough. Because at the emotional level we still want to return to our previous relationship, despite the fact that our partner’s behavior clearly does not indicate respect and love for us. Thus, a person splits: “I understand everything with my mind, but I can’t do anything with myself.”

Why “can’t”? Because I don’t know how to control my feelings, I don’t know how to control myself. More than once we have heard: “Trust your heart, it will not deceive.” But in fact, feelings are deceptive (read about this in the article The Drunken Commander, or Where Feelings Take Us). By the way, psychological dependence is more severe in women, in particular because women are more susceptible to the influence of feelings than men and are more inclined to surrender to them completely.

In addition, previous feelings for the partner who left us are significantly reinforced by various kinds fears. It would be more accurate to say that the fears and feelings overwhelming us mutually reinforce each other, it’s a vicious circle. Fear of the future, fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown and uncertainty... and all these fears are based on one main thing - fear of reality.

How is this vicious circle formed? We are afraid of reality - as it really is. We don’t want to accept it - because we don’t know how to behave in it, we don’t navigate it. We feel uncomfortable, insecure in the real world, and therefore we try in every possible way to escape from reality, instead of accepting it, studying the laws of its functioning and following them. We cling to our illusions, to our sensory perception of life, and, first of all, to our previous feelings for our departed partner. This is how fears reinforce our feelings.

But feelings, in turn, also reinforce fears in the following way. Uncontrollable feelings, primarily pride, rule us. Under their influence, we live in a distorted world; they prevent us from forming a sober view of the world and ourselves. This unreal world is extremely dear to us, we feel in it like a fish in water, because in order to live in it, we do not need to work on ourselves, we just need to surrender to our emotions and go with the flow. As a result, we become dependent on this unreal world, so we are afraid of losing it, we are afraid of reality. The circle is closed.

This is similar to how an alcoholic is afraid of sobering up, afraid of returning to reality. Moreover, he is not dependent on any particular alcoholic drink, but on his state of intoxication - he doesn’t care what to drink, just to get drunk and not have to face reality. Therefore, often a person, having recovered from alcohol addiction, falls into some other addiction, for example, gambling addiction.

Fears, including fear of reality, are a type of obsessive thoughts. They prevent us from living and being happy. Therefore, it is important for us to separate ourselves from these thoughts, to realize that these fears, these reasonings are not mine. They came from outside, and we do not need to accept them at all. On the contrary, we need to fight them. Read about this in the article Psychological and spiritual methods of overcoming obsessive thoughts.

So, fears and out-of-control inadequate emotions, existing in symbiosis, take deep roots in our soul. Together they successfully feed various kinds of unhealthy addictions, such as sexual addiction, dependence on incorrect behavioral stereotypes formed during our lives, dependence on public opinion, on one’s own pride, on money, on the prestige of one’s “status,” on various kinds of pleasures and etc. I think it would not be a mistake to say that it is precisely dependence on everything earthly, temporary that Orthodoxy calls passions. They control us, about them we often say: “They are stronger than me.” The Apostle Paul wrote about our slavery to passions: “The desire for good is in me, but I do not find it to do it. I do not do the good that I want, but I do the evil that I do not want” (Rom. 7:18-19).

According to the great expert on the human soul, St. Theophan the Recluse, “passions tyrannize the heart most of all. If there were no passions, there would, of course, be troubles, but they would never torment the hearts as much as passions do... These evil passions, when satisfied, give joy, but short-lived, and when they are not satisfied, but, on the contrary, meet the opposite , then they cause long-lasting and unbearable grief.”

To get rid of psychological addiction, it is necessary to fight passions. Only in this way can one come to true freedom, become a full-fledged, strong person who manages his own life, and does not complain that his own feelings hold him captive and do not allow him to be happy. This is the path of spiritual growth, education and improvement of one’s soul, the beginning and basis of which is sobriety, that is, the formation and maintenance of a sober, adequate view of the world and oneself. The more soberly we look at ourselves and the situation, the less dependent we are on this situation, on our feelings, on our partner... and the fewer things can throw us out of our state of mental balance. And the more we depend on God.

If we return to the question of choice - on whom to depend?- raised by us at the beginning of the article, then the answer to it seems to be this: we can prefer either dependence on people, things, circumstances... or dependence on God. There is no third option: either dependence on the temporary, transitory, or dependence on the eternal. Moreover, the more we depend on people, the less we depend on God, the less we are interested in God and His opinion about us. And vice versa: the more we depend on God, the more we live for His sake, we strive to please Him - the less we depend on everything else, the less our happiness is threatened by the vicissitudes of fate.

Dependence on God can be compared to baby's dependence on mother. And if we turn to this example, we will understand exactly how dependence on someone who truly loves you can be a source of joy, peace, confidence, we will understand that such dependence is not burdensome, does not torment, but on the contrary - makes us happy. Why? Because it is based on true, truly sacrificial love. A small child feels this love, and he completely trusts his mother, relies on her in everything. He entrusts his life, his future to her. And don’t be burdened by it! On the contrary, he wants to be near his mother more often, he runs to her for consolation in case of any disorder, turns to her for help in any trouble. He knows that mom will protect, mom will understand, mom is everything for him. Because mom loves. And this little person’s trust in his mother knows no bounds. He does not check how competent the mother is in matters of baby nutrition, in matters of treatment, in matters of development, and even in matters of his personal safety. He doesn't check - he trusts. In everything. And always. He is completely dependent on his mother - and he is absolutely happy about it.

And vice versa. Everyone knows how unhappy a baby is, deprived of a mother, deprived of that very dependence that we were just talking about. Raised by strangers who are indifferent to him, he quickly ceases to trust anyone, he grows up early, and he often himself does not know how to love. Because no one really loved him... Yes, such a child or teenager is often “free” and to a large extent independent - no one tells him what time he should come home from the street, no one forbids him to smoke and drink beer, no one forces him to go to school. University... But is he happy, being so “independent”? the answer is obvious...

Man's dependence on God is similar to the baby's dependence on his mother. The difference is that God loves us more than the most caring mother loves her child. Because God is perfect and His love is perfect. She is supremely sacrificial - to the point of death, death on the cross.

It is no coincidence that the image of man as a sheep and Christ as a shepherd (shepherd) who “lays down his life for the sheep” runs like a red thread through all Christian philosophy. A sheep can graze in its owner's pasture, obediently follow the shepherd where he leads it, trust him and, of course, be completely dependent on him. However, taking advantage of its freedom, the sheep can choose a different path and escape from the herd. Then, of course, she will no longer depend on the shepherd, but will depend on everything else that she did not depend on before: on the weather, on wild animals, on the availability of food... Like this sheep, each of us makes our own choice.

It is interesting that in Orthodoxy a person is called a “Servant of GOD”, and this is not abusive, but natural. And at the same time, the Gospel says, “Do not become slaves of men” (1 Cor. 7:23). That is, the Gospel directly points to the right choice. Unfortunately, we make it in favor of being a slave to man. Maybe we should change our choice in favor of God?

Dependence on God- this is the only type of addiction that does not make us suffer, but, on the contrary, leads us to real joy. And this is the only way we can displace all kinds of pathological dependencies from our souls, because, as we said at the beginning, a person cannot not depend on anyone. At first glance it is paradoxical, but it is precisely in dependence on God that a person gains true freedom.

While a person is in a circle of vicious dependencies, he only considers himself free, sometimes not noticing how bound he is. According to Saint Theophan, “passions... having been expelled, leave a person as a real person, while with their presence they spoil him and make him into a person, in many cases worse than animals. When they possess a person and a person loves them, they become so close to human nature that when a person acts on them, it seems as if he is acting from his nature. It seems so because a person, having submitted to them, acts on them self-willingly and is even convinced that it is impossible otherwise: nature.”

Don't we recognize ourselves in these words? This is how we, chasing the illusory freedom of “wanting and having”, obeying, sometimes blindly, a hedonistic approach to life, actually fall into dependence, that is, we achieve the opposite result: thinking that we have found freedom, we bind ourselves to severe dependence. At the same time, most often we are not aware of our slave position, subordination to our own needs and whims. So, voluntarily we are deprived of the most valuable thing - freedom. Perhaps a serious mental and spiritual crisis is the right time to think: if I have freedom, that is, what I always wanted, then why do I feel so BAD?

Is it because true freedom does not lie in the ability to satisfy the overwhelming majority of one’s needs, but in freedom from the dictatorship of unbridled feelings, in the ability to control one’s actions wisely, and not at the behest of a whim, which is one today, another tomorrow? Dependence on God gives us just such freedom, an enduring freedom that does not depend on circumstances. If we are truly free, then we are no longer tormented by the fears that we talked about above. Having taken the path of sobriety, the education of our soul, we gradually eradicate the passions that torment us, and instead cultivate positive qualities that are so necessary - not for anyone, but first of all for ourselves. It is not God, but we who need our virtues, because they decorate and heal our own soul, thus making us happier, calmer and more joyful. To put it simply, the “mechanism” is:

· we learn sobriety and fight our passions - further-

· we see the world adequately, without distortion and without illusions - further-

· we accept the circumstances of our life (which we cannot influence) as they are, without falling into depression - further-

· we get rid of fears, because... we do not have the main fear that gives rise to others - the fear of reality - further -

· by taming passions and getting rid of fears, we cut off the roots of our unhealthy addictions - further-

· instead of unhealthy addictions, we find ourselves dependent on God - further-

We gain true freedom and thus we become much happier.

I think this is what each of us wants.

An example of people who were truly independent of everything transitory, who accepted reality as it is, without losing peace of mind, who nothing could upset or take out of the state of true harmony and peace of mind - can be the Orthodox saints, in particular, the Rev. Sergius of Radonezh, the blessed Prince Dimitri Donskoy, the new martyrs and confessors of Russia... We should learn from them: voluntarily surrendering themselves to the will of God, being completely dependent on Him, they were completely free from unhealthy addictions, in the swamp of which we get bogged down.

And if we talk about our relationships with our loved ones, then they too can - and should - be built on a different basis than we are used to. We are used to building them on the desire to satisfy our need to be loved, that is, in fact, on selfishness. But by developing relationships in this way, we end up not with true love, but with an unhealthy dependence on a partner, stronger or less strong. (We are dependent on a partner because he satisfies our need to be loved. If he stops satisfying this need, then we find ourselves in a serious crisis - after all, we chose this very need as the basis).

And true love is achievable if we build relationships on the same basis of true freedom. If we can truly, with all our souls, become attached to God, then our attachment to our beloved will be different: we will look at him through the prism of eternity, we will love in him what is eternal: his soul. We will see in it the true beauty that lives in each of us as in the creation of God, we will see and fall in love with what Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh called “the radiance of eternal life.” And when our love grows its roots into eternity, then separation from our loved one, if it happens, will not be a disaster for us - even without seeing the person, we will be able to more or less rejoice in the spiritual and spiritual beauty that we saw and loved in him, and which is immortal. In confirmation of these words, we cite the words of Blessed Augustine, spoken by him in grief over the death of his wife: “Didn’t this sadness enter my soul so easily and deeply because I poured my soul into the sand, loving a mortal being as if it were not subject to death? ?.. Only he does not lose anything dear to whom everything is dear to the One Who cannot be lost.”

So, we need to recover from addiction and strive for true freedom, for life with God.

Let's think: do we need to reinvent the wheel - try to develop some new way of getting rid of addictions - if everything has already been invented and tested, verified by the experience of centuries? Isn’t it easier to turn to this experience, because even if we don’t like it, we won’t lose anything. Although, if we accept this invaluable experience with all our hearts and work conscientiously on ourselves, we will not need anything else.

So, what steps do you need to take to recover from psychological addiction?

1. Focus on reality: shift the emphasis from your own feelings to reality, to the actual state of affairs. Reasoning logically, take a sober view of the situation and yourself in it. You can read about this in more detail in the above-mentioned article, The Drunken Commander, or Where Our Feelings Take Us.

2. Let us separately highlight the need forming a reasonable, sober view of your ex-partner and relationship with him. This is quite significant. You need to analyze your partner’s actions, pay attention not to his words, but to his deeds, and on this basis form an opinion about him. It is worth reflecting on the words of the Gospel: “There is no good tree that bears bad fruit; and there is no bad tree that bears good fruit. For every tree is known by its fruit.” (Luke 6:43-44).

It is important to understand that the Gospel with these words does not call us to condemn a person, to label him “BAD!”, but speaks of something else - about a sober look at a person, about a clear recognition of his shortcomings and merits. Seeing the negative sides of a person does not at all free us from the commandment to love him; on the contrary, it leads us to ensure that our love becomes true, real, and not blind worship of an idol whom we ourselves have elevated to the throne.

So, it is extremely important, taking a sober look at your ex-partner, not to judge him or fall into hatred - and this is precisely the temptation that awaits us in a situation of addiction. Surrendering to hatred with the same recklessness as before “love” (passion) is the easiest thing to do, but you shouldn’t do it. It is these passionate and unhealthy feelings that they say that from one to the other is just a step. This is really so - we do not know how to control emotions with our reason, so the easiest way for us is to exchange one guiding passion for another, to hate as much as we “loved” before (that is, we thought that we loved. If we really loved, then of course would not hate, because “Love never fails”). Surrendering to a new passion - hatred - is convenient, familiar, there is no need to think... But still, we must avoid it with all our might, it destroys our soul.

3. Learn to constantly control feelings with your mind. Do not allow emotions to return you to your previous unhealthy and extremely biased attitude towards the situation, and when “attacked” by emotions by reason, return yourself to an already formed (see points 1 and 2) sober view of the state of affairs. To do this, you need to fight obsessive thoughts, and often you will have to literally forcibly switch your attention to something more pleasant and “correct” (this is individual).

A very good means of controlling emotions with the mind is a “conversation” between a rational person and a sensual person (meaning two people living in each of us). The intelligent person asks questions to the sensual, who tries to answer. What may come as a surprise to us is that most likely there will be nothing to answer - thus, the emotional person himself will be forced to admit defeat, that is, reason will prevail over emotions, and this is what we want.

Example: Why do I think that my departed spouse will return to me? Is there any logical reason for this? Answer: NO. Then why do I count on it and think about it 90% of the time? You can also keep a similar diary, write down your thoughts inspired by emotions in it, and consider them with a logical view.

4. Necessary forgive your ex-partner. As we said above, you should never fall into hatred. If we hate a person, we will not be able to get rid of dependence in relation to this person, this dependence will simply take on new forms. Until we forgive our partner, we continue to be connected to him - by our grievances. And any more or less serious connection is again an addiction.

We must strive for a Christian attitude towards the person who left us, despite the suffering that he caused us. It would be good to pray for him to the best of his ability.

It is important to analyze everything that happened, and find YOUR own mistakes, and ask your partner for forgiveness for them, and also “work on mistakes” - so as not to repeat them again.

In addition, we will try to understand the one who abandoned us. Yes, he is wrong in some ways (maybe very many ways), but let us treat him not with hostility and malice, but as someone possessed by passions and sick at heart.

People tend to “put on face” when they hear, see or feel someone else’s assessment of their appearance, work or behavior. Almost everyone has experienced, and many constantly experience, dependence on other people's assessments.

Fearing and avoiding negative assessments, a person strives to guess, adjust his behavior in order, in his opinion, to receive only positive assessments. They get very upset just by the assumption that someone might even think badly of them.

And when they understand that, in general, they cannot influence the thoughts of other people, they learn to set more adequate goals for themselves. Then they want to learn to react calmly, that is, to be more independent of other people’s opinions, assessments and expectations. Since it is known that it is impossible for everyone to be good, therefore there is no point in wasting energy on this.

If you want to stop being dependent on other people's opinions, waste your time and energy waiting for an assessment from the outside. If you get it and worry, then use the described method. This is a 3D model that involves thoughts, emotions, and behavior.

With its help, step by step, you can gain new experiences and learn to think and behave in more useful ways. Over time, you will stop being dependent on other people's opinions. You will have to do something less and less on purpose, since everything will happen automatically.

First of all, you should consider and accept the following ideas.

Idea 2. Reactions need to be planned. When you plan reactions, you can keep track of unplanned reactions.

Idea 3. Assessments can be important or unimportant.

Idea 4. I am a person who chooses how to react to the assessments of others.

Idea 5. Since I plan emotions, this is possible.

Idea 6. If I notice an unplanned emotion or reaction, it’s because I plan for it.

Idea 7. As soon as I feel an unplanned emotion, I use my method and regain emotional comfort.

Idea 8. Home: Since experiences associated with other people’s assessments do not help me live, it means they are meaningless!

1st way to learn to be independent of other people’s opinions “Categories”

• We divide all people into categories according to the degree of importance of their opinions for us. (For example: 1. Their rating is very significant. 2. Average significance. 3. Low significance. 4. Almost indifferent.)

• We plan the thought, emotion and reaction that we will give, receiving the assessment of people from each category.

Thought - “he’s probably talking about himself,” “I don’t take other people’s negativity, let him keep it for himself,” “the dog barks, the wind carries it away,” “it’s the rain knocking on the glass,” “what would the doctor say about this?” , “ku-ka-re-ku”, etc.;

Emotion: calm, interest, indifference or any other that is suitable for you in this case.

Reaction: “Oh! I’ll think about it..later”, “interesting thought/idea..”, “what time is it now?”, “I’m glad/I’m pleased that you take care of me”, “you are a subtle and insightful person”, “ I also like your dress,” look thoughtfully, as if you know something unknown, and remain silent.

Training:

We train to “give” the planned thought, emotion and reaction for people by category. To do this, we present each person in turn from the list as he gives you an assessment of himself, thinking, experiencing the planned thought, emotion and reaction. It is important to “feel” the emotion and even feel it in the body. With each person, imagine and live the situation at least 3 times. And with especially “difficult clients” at least 5 times.

2nd way to learn to be independent of other people’s opinions “Shortcuts”

• Every person you know is given a name (label) based on conspicuous features of their appearance or character. If you can’t do this right away, then you can imagine a small image of this person somewhere in space. If the image is static, then make it move. In movement, the very distinctive features of the human image become more visible. It is better to make the label funny, as this immediately determines and plans the emotion and reaction to its assessment (remember the film about Harry Potter, where he presented the teacher he was afraid of in a funny and ridiculous image). A label can have not only a verbal expression (Red Turtle in a Hat), but also a symbolic one, for example, some kind of visual color or black and white image - a picture.

In the future, when receiving an assessment one must perceive what this person says only in relation to the label of the speaker. To do this, you can say to yourself: “The label said - assessment.” For example: “The stupid little guy told me he’s a fool.” To consolidate such a sequence, it is necessary, just as in Method 1, to spend time on virtual playback - living through the expected situations.

If a person managed to give out an assessment even before he was assigned a label, he is called a common name for all strangers, for example: “Stump from the mountain.”

Two ways in one

If you want to get confused and show more creativity so as not to depend on other people’s opinions, you can diversify the methods with assessment topics: appearance, intelligence, lifestyle, criticism, advice. Here, as they say: The cards are in your hands! :-)

The habit of pleasing other people in everything has hidden negative consequences both for yourself and for those around you. When you try to please others:

• You put on a mask and try to predict what to do, which makes you nervous and anxious.
• Sometimes you feel deceived because people take advantage of your habit of pleasing, and you often feel at odds with what you want deep down;
• This can have an unintended effect on other people, as they may see right through you, begin to feel your inner discomfort, their own tension from it, and become embarrassed or upset that you are not being sincere or open with them.

1. Understand that with some people, it's not about you or what you do - no matter what you do.

Some people just can't be pleased. And it doesn't matter what you do.

Because it's not about you and what you do. It's about the person himself. It’s because he had a bad month, his pet got sick, or he just doesn’t like you. Or he has a bad marriage, too much debt or a constant toothache.

Once you realize this and understand that you cannot make everyone love you or avoid conflict all the time, you can begin to get rid of this useless and harmful habit.

2. Learn to say “no”

When you want to please, it is, of course, difficult to refuse.

But it is vital to your own happiness, emotional well-being, and the life you truly want to live.

Here are 5 things that helped me say no more often:

- Disarm your interlocutor and indicate your need. It's easier for people to accept your refusal if you disarm them first. For example, say that you are flattered and appreciate the kind offer. And then add that you simply don’t have time for this request.

- If people are annoying, tell them how you feel. Communicate your feelings that the proposal doesn't quite fit into your life right now. Or that you feel overwhelmed or too busy to do everything you want. Your sincere admission of your feelings will help people understand you better. Plus, it's much harder to argue with how you feel than what you think.

- Help me a little. If possible, end by recommending someone who could help or would be better suited for the task. I do this quite often when I feel like I don't have enough knowledge or experience to help a reader or friend.

- By reminding yourself why it is important to say “no” sometimes, you teach people the way you behave. They learn about you and your boundaries based on your actions. So if you stand your ground, say no, be firm about what you don't want, people will start to understand. And over time, you will encounter less and less situations where someone is trying to put pressure on you.

It's normal to feel a little guilty when you say no - but you don't have to act on that feeling. Just feel it and let the feeling be there for a while. But at the same time, remember: this does not mean that you should be guided by it and say “yes” or do what others want from you.

3. Remember: People don't care too much about what you say or do.

Looking back on the times when I tried to please other people, I can assume from my experience that this happens largely because of our perception that people care very much about what we say and how we act.

But the truth is that while in your head you are the main character of your life, for other people this is far from the case. People have enough worries about their own lives. Their heads are filled with thoughts about their children, careers, hobbies, dreams and worries about what others might think of them.

Realizing this can make you feel less important. But you will become freer.

4. Learn to deal with criticism and verbal attacks (and the fear of them)

Tip #1 will help you deal with criticism and the fear of it. Because sometimes it's not about what you did or didn't do, but about the other person and his or her life situation.

Here are some more tips that help me deal with negativity and criticism:

- Pause before answering. Take a couple of deep breaths first. By doing this, you reduce the risk of losing your temper or making a mistake. Calming yourself a little before answering is always a good idea.

- Remember: you can simply ignore it. You don't have to respond to every negative message via email, social media, or in real life. You have the right to remain silent, ignore it and move on. Of course, this response will not work in every situation, but it is important to remember that from time to time you have the opportunity to do so.

- It's okay to disagree. It took me a while to understand this because I always wanted to get people on my side, to make them see things the way I saw them. But it's okay to have a difference of opinion and leave things as they are. I found that life became simpler and easier when I began to accept this thought.

5. Set boundaries for yourself.

If you start telling yourself no, if you set some firm boundaries for yourself, then over time it will become easier to do the same with other people. These boundaries can also help you better focus on what is most important to you.

Here are a few habits that helped me with this:

- Set the start and end times of work. I don't start working before 8 am, and turn off the computer no later than 7 pm.

- Work without distractions. I turn off instant messenger and email notifications. I leave my smartphone at the other end of the apartment and turn on silent mode.

- Check your email only once a day. Otherwise, I can easily lose focus and have a lot of thoughts in my head that distract me from my work.

6. Strengthen your self-esteem

Why is it important? By building on high self-esteem and good habits, you will value yourself and, as a result, your time and energy. Therefore, saying “no” when necessary will become a more natural process.

And criticism and negative words will bounce off you more and more easily.

Plus, you'll be less concerned about whether someone else likes you or not. Because now you love and respect yourself more, and your dependence on what others may think or say will decrease dramatically.

7. Focus on what you want from your life

If you know what matters most to you and pay attention to it every day, you will naturally start saying no and stop trying to please people. Because now your energy and time are mostly focused on your needs and desires.

You're no longer adrift without a clear goal (which is great, because when you don't have one, it's easy to fall into the trap of agreeing to what someone else wants you to do).

So how can you put this knowledge into action?

Understanding what you want deep down can take some time. But the following might be a good start:

- Ask yourself: what are the 3 most important things in my life right now? This could be your business, family, career, health, dog, photography hobby, football, improving your social life and rearranging your home. Or something else.

- Come up with 1-3 reminders for yourself. Write down the three most important things to you on a small piece of paper. And put it on your bedside table so that the first thing you see every morning is this list. You can also make two more similar notes to hang one, for example, on the refrigerator, and put the other next to your workplace.

These two simple techniques have greatly helped me act in accordance with my priorities and remember them every day. I always keep before my eyes what is most important to me.