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How to get rid of shame? Techniques, techniques, recommendations of psychologists. How to get rid of shame Learning to live in a new way

The expression “fall through the earth” perfectly characterizes the state of shame. This is a feeling of one’s own worthlessness, humiliation in the eyes of others.

Surely everyone blushed or turned pale from an act for which he was ashamed. At this moment, the shoulders drop, the body becomes heavier, and strength disappears. We experience an indefinable desire to run away, to hide from prying eyes.

It is important to know how to get rid of shame in order to protect your body from extreme stress.

Working with Shame

Depending on the cause of its occurrence, the optimal therapy for shame is selected.

Option one

The state of shame is caused by an unworthy act.

We make assessments taking into account. At this moment we may feel a disgusting state of mind, irritation with our own behavior. How to get rid of the feeling of shame so as not to drive yourself into depression and not be at risk of developing stress due to constant dissatisfaction with yourself?

Dealing with shame begins with awareness of guilt. The next stage is repentance. Only after this will you be able to forgive yourself and let go of the problem. Don’t expect that after admitting the problem to yourself, you will immediately feel better. It will take time. But try to forgive yourself. People have the right to make mistakes. You are no exception.

Option two

Imposed belief.

A person develops an obsessive and unjustified feeling of shame for any wrongdoing. Some parents and educators criticize children and punish them for minor mistakes. The self-worth of the individual suffers from this. Even as an adult, a person feels that he is good for nothing. He doesn't know how to get rid of the feeling of shame and the desire to apologize for everything.

In this case, working with shame takes place in several stages:

1. Description of situations in which you feel unfit;
2. Highlighting the message that is felt;
3. Designation of the person who formed this rule;
4. Own assessment (agreement/disagreement) of the shamefulness of the situation;
5. Forming your own position on what is happening.

Let's consider a situation familiar to everyone. As children, we were taught that we should give up our seats to older people in public transport. And we don’t know how to get rid of shame if an older person is standing over us. Sometimes this feeling arises without any justification. We may feel unwell and jump up at the sight of an elderly but strong person. At the same time, we are overtaken by a feeling of our own worthlessness.

Shame therapy in this case is simply necessary. Let's look at the situation in more detail. As children, we were essentially instilled with sensitivity to our neighbors. If a person needs care, he needs to be given it. If a passenger does not look well, he needs to give up his seat, regardless of his age. This is right! But when you yourself need such care, then give it to yourself. You do not have to jump up if you feel weak or unwell. Working with shame in this case is made easier by your own positive experience.

Below are 9 tips on how to get rid of the habit of shame. Often people experience this powerful destructive feeling because they build their lives according to stereotypical patterns. At the same time, worsening your mental state, over and over again feeling your worthlessness.

The desire to fall through the earth causes despair and breaks the personality, so working with shame is simply necessary.

Remember the good attitude of people who treated you fairly.
Refresh and allow yourself to relive moments in which you felt good.
Find and savor your talents and strengths, discuss them with other people. This will help you assert yourself and overcome shyness. Minor offenses will be lost against the background of merits.
Recognize your right to be the person you are. Ideality as such does not exist; everyone has their own idea of correctness. In the race for the ideal image, you waste your health and strength. Love yourself!
Form a new attitude towards things, based on your own values and modern realities. It is not a fact that the values of your parents’ times have a place in modern society. Listen to yourself more.
Avoid comparisons. Never compare what you have with what you supposedly should have. Such inconsistency prevents the achievement of harmony. Accept the situation as it is. If you decide to compare, then compare your past self and your present self.
Find the reason for the shame. If there is a good reason, acknowledge it and forgive yourself. Or maybe the reasons are unfounded? Someone imposes a feeling of guilt on you, and you accept responsibility for the mistakes of others.
Don't be shy to ask for help. If it is difficult to overcome the feeling of shame yourself,... You can talk to a loved one or consult a psychotherapist. Don't hide unpleasant feelings to yourself. Sometimes you just need to speak out, express your own vision. And someone from the outside will help you look at the situation differently. This will help you find the right solution.
Find your courage. Without admitting it to yourself, it is impossible to get rid of shame. Clear your thoughts so you can let go of unpleasant feelings.

Shame can be cured by accepting it. We need to get rid of its negative manifestations. In some cases, shame acts as a signal for change. Learn to use it for good.

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American psychologist Sylvan Tomkins came to the conclusion that shame arises when we expect positive emotions. If we deviate from the script, we experience a feeling of failure. The brain may perceive the situation as a problem that requires immediate resolution, or it may react to the situation as if it is threat - she prevents us from moving forward and makes us worry.

Each of us experiences awkward situations, after which we want to bury our head in the sand and never show it: a dress slipped down at the most inopportune moment, there is not enough money to pay for the goods, and you are already standing at the checkout with a mountain of groceries, or you just don’t know, how to refuel the car correctly, and the queue has already reached universal proportions. Every time these situations amaze the imagination and you think: “Well, why with me?”

website found out how you can quickly cope with internal experiences, understanding physiological and chemical the nature of these negative emotions.

Forgive yourself

First, admit to yourself that this situation makes you feel awkward; this will first help you understand that what happened requires analysis. If you do not admit to yourself that you are experiencing shame, this feeling will move to an unconscious level and will have a serious impact, interfering with your life.

Remember and say a phrase when you feel awkward: “Because I’m ashamed, I won’t become better or happier” or: “I have nothing to be ashamed of, all people find themselves in awkward situations”, this will make it easier to relate to the situation and find an appropriate way to resolve it .

Admit your mistakes

Start with analysis situations: understand what exactly led to the failure and establish a specific reason. If you really made a mistake, try to correct it.

If, for example, during the reporting presentation you understand that there are shortcomings, use softening phrases to smooth out the situation: “This is a difficult question, I can answer it in more detail later, after a deeper study, today I made the following conclusions” or “Colleagues, After discussing this issue with you, I may change my opinion and voice it later.” Listen calmly to criticism, don’t complain, and next time start your presentation with a problematic question and study the topic better.

Human mistakes are forgotten quickly enough, so the feeling of shame is a temporary state. Also give up unnecessary comparisons, do not compare your behavior with the expectations of other people, accept yourself and do not try to live up to ideas about yourself that are not your own. It is this discrepancy between expectations and reality that most often causes feelings of shame.

Apologies

Don't look away when you pass someone you've offended. It’s better to apologize once so that you feel at ease every day. Try to find a simple and short explanation for your action if you offended a person unintentionally. For example, you mistakenly assumed that your colleague is pregnant, explain this by saying that your sister or friend is pregnant, so you see mommies everywhere.

Responsibility

Often situations that leave us feeling embarrassed and ashamed arise because we cannot take responsibility for a decision that is so necessary but extremely difficult to make. So that two guys you have a crush on don't end up at your front door at the same time and you're faced with the choice of whether to open the door or not, make a decision and take responsibility for it. If they do end up at your door, look for the positives: such a shake-up sometimes helps you realize which decision is really the right one.

Everyone experiences worries about wrong words spoken or actions done. In the heat of the moment, they said something offensive to a loved one, without thinking, they did something that they later repented of. There are many such situations in everyone's life. And everything would be fine, but only our conscience reminds us of each of them. And it has no statute of limitations. You may remember that event for years and even decades. Today we’ll talk about how to get rid of shame.

About the main thing, about the eternal

We may not admit what we have done to anyone, not ask for forgiveness, or perhaps the action went unnoticed by others. And only you yourself remain its witness. And sometimes this is even worse than public condemnation and sincere repentance. Time passes, and the unfinished situation continues to plague the person. Psychologists call this state an incomplete gestalt, where you will be faced with feelings of guilt or shame again and again until you turn to face it. Only by living this situation to the end can you free yourself and begin to truly live.

Psychologists know well how to get rid of feelings of shame and teach their clients this. But not always a person wants to seek advice, trying to help himself on his own. This is also possible, and today we will learn this together.

Source of problems

If you feel that life has ceased to make you happy, that you live every day in the vain hope that tomorrow there will be relief, but this does not happen, then it is time for internal psychotherapy. When we talk about how to get rid of shame, we don’t even mean mental anguish. These thoughts usually come in the evenings, at a time when you are not too busy with work and are ready to relax. But instead you are overcome with anxiety. Anxious thoughts and feelings of shame can eat you from the inside.

Surely you have heard that all diseases are caused by nerves. But not everyone tries this on themselves. But psychosomatics cannot be discounted. Are you having digestive problems? Plagued by attacks of headaches and anxiety? Are old injuries aggravated? It is quite possible that this is due to our internal experiences. If the same episode constantly plays in your memory or is repeated in your dreams, then you should think about how to get rid of feelings of shame or guilt.

What it is

When we talk about the feeling of shame, we, first of all, mean experiences that are associated with events that have occurred, actions taken or, conversely, imperfect actions. We will not talk about crime and punishment, or morality. This is a slightly different aspect of the problem under consideration. The feeling of shame has been studied in psychology for a long time and very carefully. First of all, because it has a huge impact on a person’s life and sense of self.

Let's separate the concepts of “shame” and “guilt”. They are very similar, but, nevertheless, they also have differences. They have one nature - it is something made by man. But if the feeling of shame in psychology is considered a social phenomenon, then guilt is a very deep personal experience. That is, if the act had witnesses, then the person becomes ashamed. And if he is alone with his experiences, then guilt is formed.

Good or bad

Is it bad if a person has a conscience, you ask. After all, only the most inveterate criminal can not feel remorse for what he has done. On the one hand, you are right. But a strong feeling of shame is rather a negative phenomenon. We won’t talk about the severity of the offense now, because this is already a special case. But often conscience does not help to live, but, on the contrary, causes significant harm, leading to nervous breakdowns and illnesses.

Whether it’s good or bad, the deed has already been committed, and it must be taken for granted. A strong feeling of shame often does not take long to arrive. It is a constant reminder of what happened, as well as the retribution that lies ahead. Here everyone can understand something different, some will expect quite expected material losses, others will expect a “boomerang effect” or torment in the afterlife. Regardless of what punishment represents in your mind, waiting for it often becomes an unbearable ordeal. A person quits his job, breaks off relations with family and friends only because he could not forgive himself for his mistakes.

A strong feeling of shame is destructive. You cannot learn to live with him; you need to find the strength within yourself and forgive yourself for what you have done. Of course, it is best to explain things to your opponent, but this is not always possible. That person may be unreachable or may already be dead. It is quite possible that you have long been forgiven, but you continue to experience torment and remorse. You can get rid of the feeling of shame if you really want it.

Where does it come from?

"We all come from a terrible childhood." This is what the famous psychotherapist S.A. Kovalev said, and this phrase does not lose its relevance. The constant feeling of shame sometimes comes from there. Remember the endless “Aren’t you ashamed?!” for spilled tea, torn jeans, for lingering in the yard, I didn’t get an A in math. And many, many more for what. Our parents reproach us for ruining our textbooks and clothes, complaining that we will now have to work two jobs.

That is, the child’s burden of guilt grows. He hasn’t even gone to school yet, but he’s already guilty and owes it to the whole world. Of course, he will develop a feeling of shame, since there are so many prerequisites for this. How does this affect the child’s personality? Very simply, he gets used to the idea that he is bad and only causes harm to his family. Moreover, he does not have the right to accept gifts and signs of attention, otherwise he will later be blamed for this and will definitely be asked to report what he did with it. We can talk endlessly about feelings of guilt and shame; this problem is as old as the world.

Why are we instilled with a sense of guilt from childhood? It's very simple: it makes it easier to control the child. Our parents were raised this way, they passed on the same stamps to us. And we will vaccinate them in our still healthy children.

Learning to live in a new way

Is it possible to live without being tormented by a feeling of inferiority? Live in a new way, forgiving yourself and knowing how to ask for forgiveness from others? How to overcome feelings of shame and give yourself the opportunity to “breathe deeply”? It's no secret that we ourselves model our destiny. We build it with our behavior and actions. And all the negativity that takes place inside you will attract similar things from outside. As a result, you should not be surprised by problems and failures.

The balance of your inner world is disrupted. There is no harmony in it, and troubles will be attracted, like a magnet, by your sense of your own uselessness. Let's learn to live differently, in harmony and without guilt.

Who is to blame and what to do

Let's now move on to practice. How to get rid of feelings of shame about the past? First you need to figure out whether this feeling is true or false. If you really did a bad thing, you have to face it and admit it. It’s not enough to just admit, you need to ask for forgiveness and compensate for the damage. But it is worth noting that in some cases this does not work. Or it works, but not completely. There are practical recommendations from psychologists who will tell you how to get rid of feelings of shame and disgrace.

Self-esteem

This is a very important point. Inflated self-esteem is not very good and also suggests the presence of problems. You need to adequately assess your strengths and role in public life. But if you are talking about how to remove the feeling of shame, then the issue of working on self-esteem comes first. The more dependent you are on the opinions of others, the more you will experience feelings of guilt and shame. Take advantage of auto-training, because a self-confident person will be much calmer, he will make fewer mistakes, and the less likely it is that he will have to suffer from shame.

The first step to working on self-esteem is a success journal. Take a nice notebook and write down at least 10 points on which you did well today, did a great job, and the like. It can be anything. The next day, repeat the work. Now the most important thing. You should take some time over the weekend and carefully read 70 things you were the best at. This is an excellent piggy bank that helps increase self-esteem.

Effective exercises

We continue to work on self-esteem. Since you won’t be able to get rid of feelings of guilt and shame overnight, you need to achieve results gradually. Psychologists recommend the following exercises:

The first exercise is to learn to love yourself. Not all people can have ideal proportions from a fashion point of view. Individuality is where the special beauty of people lies. If you don’t like being overweight, sign up for a gym, consider yourself a failure, open a photo album and look for happy moments. Believe me, you are surrounded by many people whose problems are much more serious than yours. And many of them manage to smile and be constantly in the spotlight.
"The publication". To strengthen your self-esteem, you should work on your image. It is enough to carefully choose an outfit, do your hair, and you will begin to catch admiring glances.
Say “No” to your fears. On the bus, stand next to the driver, facing all passengers, boldly look around the cabin and smile welcomingly. If you are afraid of speaking, try giving a short speech.
Learn to forgive yourself. A negative result is also a result. The main thing is that you tried.

Learn to smile in any situation. If you are dissatisfied with everything, you will never become successful. Hence the fears, mistakes, shame.

Overcoming shame

What does psychology tell us about this? How to get rid of the feeling of shame with the least loss for your personality? There are several steps that you will have to take:

Take a blank sheet of paper, sit comfortably and close your eyes. Remember the event that makes you feel guilty. Now open your eyes and try to describe it as carefully as possible. Try to avoid others judging your actions, and don’t label yourself.
At the end of the story, try to identify the reasons that prompted you to commit this act. Maybe this is a subjective view, but that’s exactly what you thought back then.
Close your eyes again and imagine a cage inside you. Feelings live in her. Somewhere here there is a feeling of shame. It came to you as a teacher, and you locked the cage, which is why you are now suffering. Open the front door and see what happens. After that, open the back door and let the wind of change freely rush through it.
The sheet on which you outlined all your sorrows must be destroyed. You can come up with a method yourself, but it’s best to burn it and scatter the ashes.
You can finally get rid of the feeling of guilt by sharing what you have done. It is best to do this in church, that is, repent to a priest, or go to a psychologist.
In your story, a person was injured and you cannot compensate him for the damage? Think about how you can repay the debt. Even if a person is no longer there, he still has relatives who have everyday needs. Perhaps you can help one of them in word or deed.
And the last step is to forget everything.

What should you do if ominous thoughts come to you again and again? Do the job again. You will be surprised, but an imaginary cage can be locked again, and a certain image is swirling in it again. Repeat the exercises and you will soon notice that your thoughts begin to visit less and less often, and your soul becomes much calmer.

I am the Universe

No matter what happens, you cannot treat yourself as a lost or worthless person. Once you get rid of the feeling of guilt, harmony and calm will return to your life. Of course, there are also ordinary cases that are much easier to resolve. For example, how to get rid of the feeling of shame after drinking? Indeed, having too much, you can behave not quite adequately, for which you can be very ashamed in the morning.

First of all, don't hide from those you've been drinking with. The more you stress yourself out, the more difficult the first meeting will be. The best thing to do is grab some cold drinks and go visit someone. Try to turn the incident into a joke by telling a couple of jokes about last night. If you were not the only one who drank alcohol, then most likely the memory of others will be slightly clouded as well.

If you allow yourself to drink, then accept the consequences. You have not become worse, but in the future you need to decide for yourself not to drink large amounts of alcohol. Then such troubles can definitely be avoided.

Instead of a conclusion

Feelings of shame or guilt are a powerful and sometimes decisive factor that dictates what your life will be like and how much you can enjoy it. If you want change, then it's time to start working on yourself. Only at first glance it looks complicated. In fact, psychotherapy is immersion within oneself, creative exploration and gentle correction. And the results will delight you, as they will allow you to qualitatively change your life. Many people say that after such work, life begins to play with bright colors, and even the most mundane things begin to bring pleasure.

Here we will talk about what shame is and how to get rid of the shame that prevents us from enjoying life.

Shame is another feeling that is not natural, and it is not given to a person from birth. Shame, like guilt, is introduced from the outside. Most often this is done by our parents, and they in turn were shamed by their parents.

Shame is another rope with which you can be easily manipulated. Often, people shame you to get the behavior they want. Shame is an unnecessary feeling and belongs in the trash heap.

Nothing is worth your shame. Absolutely. There is nothing shameful in your life, not one bit. The Creator created you already perfect right now. The problem is that you are told that you are not perfect. That you are sinners. Everyone tells you this, your religion, your parents, teachers, educators. Religion teaches you the fear of God, for one reason only, again, that you were easier to control. In general, almost everything regarding the norms of behavior, morality and the like that we have in society were mainly invented to control people.

Therefore, my dear reader, do not be ashamed. And if you can’t, know that all these programs at once are not so easy to get rid of
put away. They have been drilled into you for decades and you cannot get rid of them in one day. Therefore, if you cannot help but feel ashamed, allow yourself to do so.

One of the most powerful remedies for shame is . Allow yourself to be who you are right now, enjoy yourself, get high on yourself, be in bliss, accept all your shortcomings and let them be. Don't fight anything, but accept it. Take care of yourself, take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Take care of yourself.

Also, remember, when you are shamed, people simply do not understand what they are doing. For the most part, people do to others the same things that other people did to them. So let them shame you, just be calm about it, realizing that these same people often shame themselves.

Shame is embedded in almost every person, in some it is to a greater extent, in others to a lesser extent. This happens because most people are a product of social programming, a product of society, parents, educators, and environment. This happens because a person is not taught to think critically. A person does not ask himself whether what I am being taught is even approximately “truth” or whether the teachers themselves do not even understand what they are doing. It’s very easy to check, once you look at what’s going on in the world, you can easily say that a person has clearly missed something and doesn’t know something.

Only those people who begin to consciously grow, awaken, realize that many things in their head are just rubbish that prevents them from living and enjoying life, can change themselves and get rid of shame. If you are really thinking about taking care of yourself, improving something in your life, I recommend getting acquainted with a system for clearing your mind of mental crap called I’ve been using the system for a long time, and I see amazing results.

Conclusions on the topic “How to get rid of shame”:

shame is an introduced feeling from the outside that allows others to manipulate us, just know that most often people do this because they did the same thing to them;
throw shame into the trash heap; that’s where it belongs;
it’s not so easy to get rid of the shame program, because it can be tied to other programs, a high-speed system for cleansing the brain of mental crap Turbo - Suslik, which cleanses your subconscious, will help you with this, about how to cleanse the subconscious and what it is In general, you can read;
if you can’t help but be ashamed, allow yourself this, don’t resist, as this will only drive the shame deep into the subconscious, from where it will break out later in a more severe form;
The best way to get rid of shame is to love yourself simply for who you are, and accept yourself as you are with all your strengths and weaknesses.

So tell yourself right now at least 10 times: I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

A long time ago, I wrote three articles about shame (those who have not read or read but forgot can read them), and solemnly promised to write more - to cover the topic more fully. But the writing process, alas, dragged on. Unfortunately.

On the other hand, “they have been waiting for the promised for three years.”

Hurray, comrades - it happened! This is, in fact, what was promised.

Let me remind you a little: A healthy sense of guilt and a healthy sense of shame are necessary in order for us to be able to get along together in society. Guilt necessary so that no harm is caused to others (well, so that people do not jostle on the street, respect the queue, etc.), shame- so that everyone behaves as is customary (well, let’s say, he danced at a wedding and was sad at a funeral, and not vice versa).

Unhealthy (that is, poisonous, toxic) equivalents are needed in order to drive an individual under the baseboard, to qualitatively control his behavior.

Differences between “healthy” and “unhealthy”.

Have healthy guilt There is always the one who caused the damage, the one who suffered the damage, and the damage itself. Three elements materialized in reality. And, of course, an opportunity to atone. Give money, for example. The criterion for unhealthy guilt is “I’m always to blame for everything.” Healthy shame There is also a criterion: “what I did was bad, wrong.” For an unhealthy person, “I myself am bad, wrong.”

Unlike guilt (which is equally unpleasant to experience), there is no way to get rid of shame. No, I'm not talking about ignoring. We are all masters at ignoring. I'm talking specifically about the very moment of EXPERIENCED shame. Let me explain.

At the moment of experiencing GUILT, we begin to ask to be released from guilt - to apologize. “Please forgive me, I’m a blockhead, a fool, I’ll correct myself. How and how can I atone for my guilt? That is, everyone who is able to admit their guilt has a chance to continuation of contact with the one who suffered the damage. You can ask for forgiveness. Or find a convenient form of compensation for the damage caused.

Shame has no such magic spell. And a chance for contact too.

The experience of shame itself is associated with a perceived message from society: “this is NOT how you behave, and perhaps you are NOT OURS, and, accordingly, you can be rejected or isolated.” This - contact break. The desire that appears in someone who experiences shame is the desire to make an excellent move to return everything to its place. Find an additional justificatory meaning of the committed act. Cross everything out and correct it. Restore previous contact! And the horror is that this is impossible. NO ONE WILL EVER FORGET what was done (that is, they will forget, of course, if you don’t focus on it, but it takes time and patience).

· Of course, a person can begin to “cross out” witnesses. He can denigrate them, or avoid them, or try to do something that will make them forget... From the outside it usually looks quite ridiculous. Or weird. Or cheeky. Or wildly... You've probably encountered this.

But more often than not, if someone is faced with an acute experience of shame, he runs away, hides... Remember the stable expression “ready to fall into the ground”? Just on topic. The desire to disappear, dissolve, turn into furniture or become a shadow... Happened, I think, to everyone. Not the most pleasant state.

· Later, the memory of the hopelessness, the hopelessness of the situation of shame, the inability to do anything + unpleasantly burning cheeks and ears - all this forces us, in the future, to avoid all possible situations where we may encounter shame - this is how it is organized fear of shame.

So what do we have?

Shame is essentially a fear of isolation. Trying to get rid of it, we involuntarily make a decision (having no alternatives), which, in fact, can be called self-isolation. Will this choice make things better? Hardly fear of isolation it is reasonable to “treat” self-isolation. Left alone, a person begins to torment himself with fantasies about his monstrosity, about his unworthiness of people and this whole world, he tries to “whip off” his “bad inclinations” in order to get rid of them, goes through all imaginable excuses in his mind, and understands that no one and will never believe him, understand him or forgive him... A person emerges from self-isolation “cut down” and, in a sense, robbed - a territory appears on his internal map of life experience where he will never go again. This kind of isolation is a scary place, reliably guarded fear of shame . If everyone knew how to get out of this place, they would be in a much more advantageous position.

· A gloomy retreat. When I write this, I’m still tense (I ask you not to read it if you’re particularly nervous).When I was a teenager, a classmate called me and, crying, said, alas, that a guy from our class had been brutally murdered. Out of shock and fright, I made a sound that obviously sounded like laughter (nervous laugh). She screamed: “How can you laugh?!”, and hung up. Out of shame, I didn’t know where to go, how to make excuses... Plus the event itself - and I burst into tears. Well, there were people nearby who saw me and explained what was happening to me, otherwise I would definitely consider myself a fiend from hell... I was lucky that I was in contact with my family. But if I hadn’t burst into tears, but had managed to withdraw, I would have miraculously organized for myself that very “isolation” under the eternal protection of a sense of shame, and what would have resulted from it - it’s unpleasant even to fantasize.

So, if the worst thing is isolation, then the exact opposite will be healing - acceptance, the presence of another, dialogue. In other words, to get rid of shame, you need to establish contact. But not by excellent moves and corrective behavior, but by getting closer to someone who can, will be able to support, and will try to understand the essence. With someone to whom you can tell about your horror, and he will not reject you (although this does not mean that he will approve, agree or join). A person who has fallen into the trap of shame is not looking for consent. He seeks understanding - i.e. a person who, at least once, also experienced shame. A person who won’t say “Yes, okay, forget it” in response. But, on the contrary, he will begin to talk about himself: “Listen, well, yes... but I once had... oh, how I screwed up...”

Everyone has experienced shame at some point. Only some were able to cope with it, process it, and move on, while others avoided in every conceivable way situations where they could encounter it again. One of the reasons is that they don’t know what to do and how to behave when “it happens to them again.”

So, “what to do” if you feel that a tub of shame has poured out on you, so as not to fall into a trap - establish a dialogue, seek support from sane people.

Instructions for those who are interested in being among “sane people.” If a person came to you for help and told you about his shame, he came for dialogue. With the hope that in response to his feelings you will respond with your own. More details below.

What NOT to do.

1. Do not give advice “And you try to tell them that...”. Do not show pity or sympathy from the position from above “Mmm, my poor you.. eh, they are you.. Well, it’s okay, you’re strong - you can handle it”... Real feelings are not involved here. There is no contact, and the advice will be perceived as rejection: “go and improve.” Pity is like rejection in the form of “you turned out to be such a failure, it’s okay, we’ll cure you.”

2. Denial “You shouldn’t have these feelings”, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” These phrases themselves shame, as they tell the person that what he is experiencing is wrong, abnormal. And he already came with his “wrongness”, of which he is ashamed!

3. Do not reassure, do not dissuade: “It’s okay, no one is judging you.” There is a note of arrogance in this - they say, we know that this is not shameful, and in general, probably, we are not ashamed of anything! By the way, a person who denies the presence of a feeling of shame is a very shameful figure for any group of people - its presence aggravates the desire for self-isolation, and, for example, in a group it supports loneliness, separation, and avoidance of contact.

What will be healing. There are only two messages here. “I also have experience with shame and I can imagine how you feel.” And “regardless of whether I share or support what you did, I still stay by your side, I remember who you are to me, and I’m ready to talk about a topic that worries you.”

I look forward to questions and observations on the topic!

To be continued. Interesting! :)

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